Articles
When Is Enough, Enough?
No doubt the NT counsels God’s people to be patient with others, accept mistreatment with grace, to try and understand the pain suffered by others that leads them to inflict pain. Admittedly, we are surrounded by a culture in crisis. Child abuse, families in chaos, divorce, too much unfiltered information, internet pornography, random violence, alcohol and drug abuse, etc. are wreaking havoc on our neighbors, co-workers, fellow shoppers, customer service reps and others we bump elbows with in our daily lives. Our spiritual perspectives must equip us to interact considerately with others so that Christ and the gospel are magnified. Here are a couple of thoughts along these lines:
Col 4:5-6 – “Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” What does “redeeming the time” mean? Walton Weaver summarizes this phrase along with Gal 6:10 (“as we have opportunity, let us do good …”): “Christians should make wise use of every opportunity, and eagerly seize every opportunity, to bring those who are on the outside to salvation” (Truth Commentary – Philippians and Colossians 585).
1 Pet 3:15 – “But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear.” This passage speaks to both the knowledge of and preparation to answer the unbeliever or critic as well as the attitude with which that rebuttal should be offered.
1 Cor 8:13; 10:32-33 – “Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble … Give no offense, either to the Jews or to the Greeks or to the church of God, just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.” These principles of sacrifice, consideration for the vulnerability of others and love for souls motivated Paul to tirelessly traverse the Roman world establishing and strengthening churches. Similar exhortations from the NT can be cited which spur us to do what we can, as best we can, to help others see the truth.
However, didn’t this same Paul tell the citizens of Antioch: “It was necessary that the word of God should be spoken to you first; but since you reject it, and judge yourselves unworthy of everlasting life, behold, we turn to the Gentiles … they shook off the dust from their feet against them, and came to Iconium” (Ac 13:46, 51)? And wasn’t it Paul who, “greatly annoyed, turned and said to the spirit, ‘I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.’ And he came out that very hour. But when her masters saw that their hope of profit was gone, they seized Paul and Silas and dragged them into the marketplace to the authorities” (Ac 16:18-19)?
Didn’t Jesus Himself drive the bread-seeking multitudes away by deliberately confronting them with obscure concepts (cf. Jn 6:26, 41-42, 50-52, 60-66)? And didn’t Jesus in an initial meeting lay an enormous challenge before the rich young ruler that caused him to turn away “sorrowful, for he had great possessions” (Mt 19:22)? And didn’t Jesus repeatedly violate the Pharisaic restrictions of the Sabbath day to the degree that they wanted to kill Him for his “sacrilege” (Mk 3:1-6; Lk 6:6-11)? Shouldn’t Jesus have just gone along with their traditions in order to placate them so that He could have more opportunities to teach them?
I have had occasional conversations with Christians who were being used, abused and domineered by others. For example, a sister recently told me of a co-worker whose car had broken down. The sister offered her rides to work until her car could be repaired, but almost immediately the co-worker began to make controlling demands of her. She didn’t know how to handle the stress that the woman was creating, and she was reluctant to put firm limits of acceptable interaction in place to protect herself because she didn’t want to close a potential door of opportunity.
Another friend endured years of wretched behavior from her mother who had compromised her marriage via lesbianism; became involved with witchcraft and dark arts; threatened her daughter with a firearm; openly favored her two other children to the point of leaving them the lion’s share of her estate; told her on multiple occasions that she hated her; etc. This abuse was also dished out by her two older siblings with their mother’s approval – and all the while my friend was doing the heavy lifting of caring for her frail mother. My suggestions to distance herself from her family for the sake of her emotional and spiritual health fell on deaf ears, and she subjected herself to terrible abuse right up to the end of her mother’s life.
Some people, for a variety of reasons, find it very difficult to pull back from situations in which others are actively seeking their harm or to control them for their own selfish gain. There is no Scriptural mandate for God’s people to keep putting themselves in emotional and/or spiritual jeopardy out of a (usually hopeless) desire to “convert” their abusers or change their attitudes. Jesus Himself directed us: “Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces” (Mt 7:6).
But, as the title of our article asks, “When is enough, enough?” How do we know when to let go and back away from an abusive situation? This is purely a judgment call, and there is no cookie-cutter answer for every situation. Perhaps the following questions might clarify where we stand:
Is the other person really listening to me?
What is the other person’s behavior, not just words, actually telling me?
Have I given the person a fair shot at learning the truth or changing?
Am I trying to impose something on someone that they truly don’t want?
Is the relationship a one-way street where I’m always the one giving?
What is the spiritual and emotional toll the situation is taking on me?
Is allowing myself to be disrespected or damaged truly gaining influence?
If the other person doesn’t respect me, will they respect my teaching?
How is my effectiveness for other work for the Lord being compromised?
Is there any evidence that Jesus or the apostles willingly remained in abusive situations for the unlikely possibility that someone might eventually be converted? Or did they move on to “greener pastures”?
Perhaps these questions, and other pertinent ones not listed, will help us properly discriminate between a true opportunity and harmful oppression.
