Articles
Self-Hatred
For some decades now Western society has been hyper-focused on the individual: his autonomy, freedom and ambition. There are many reasons for this emphasis on individual sovereignty, but this article only deals with one unintended consequence of the philosophy: intensive self-focus often leads to self-hatred. This is one of Satan’s greatest weapons against God’s most prized creation: those made in His own image.
Consider the following two people, both of whom are real, both of whom are Christians, both of whom are blind. Their names are changed to protect their identities.
Bob. Due to a genetic condition, Bob began losing his sight in his early 20s. Gradually, Bob had to learn new ways to function in life; i.e., through Braille, a service dog, reliance on hearing, new job skills, and help from others. In my association with Bob, I never heard a single complaint about his condition, whether a lamentation of how much more useful he could be if he had sight, or his frustration with stepping in yet another unseen pile of dog poop or the difficulty of making his way to the assembly across a big city on public transport. Bob remains a consummate Bible student, preacher and personal worker. He is a husband, father and grandfather. He has been a vital, dependable anchor of a small local church for about 40 years.
Sally. Sally has been blind from birth. Her living situation does not allow her the same degree of independence as Bob, so she is more reliant on others for shopping trips, doctor visits, rides to worship, etc. This led Sally to write: “Sometimes, I really hate myself for being blind … I know I need extra help, and I hate being a bother to people. The reason I have never told this to anyone is because I am worried they will think I am feeling sorry for myself … I have hated myself for a long time because of the way my mom has treated me, and, in recent years, my siblings as well have shown some of her behavior toward me. However, I did not notice until (recently) that hating myself for being blind was a problem. All of this is to ask: How do you stop hating yourself for something that you cannot control?”
Before I share with you part of my answer to Sally, take a moment and ask how you would respond to her question. Or, perhaps ask yourself if you can relate to her on some level. Here are some observations I made to Sally based on several overarching Scriptural principles:
“Several things occur to me, but I am on the outside looking in as to being plagued with a serious handicap. I can't begin to understand the physical – not to mention the psychological – aspects of such a condition.
“Be that as it may, I'd like you to explore in your own mind the phrase ‘hate yourself.’ What exactly do you mean by that? As you admit, blindness is a condition that you did not bring on yourself and cannot change. It doesn’t change your ultimate value as a human being, and it doesn’t diminish your value in God's eyes. I can understand feeling like being a burden to others at times, or being frustrated at not being able to drive, go to the store, pick out clothes, etc. by yourself. I am not dismissing those feelings – though, again I don't understand them as a sighted person – but ‘hate yourself’ takes on a whole new dimension of how you assess your worth as a human being, and especially as a creation of God.
“A second thought that occurs to me is that so many people with a multitude of different handicaps – from injuries to genetic aberrations to physical deformities to tragedies that have befallen them through no fault of their own – can come to hate their lives, their circumstances, their dependence on others, etc. Both the afflicted and the caregivers are under strain in many cases, but all of us have a purpose on earth that makes us first and foremost answerable to God. Those who are debilitated certainly wish their circumstances altered, but as it is their condition serves a valuable purpose in reminding the world that it is fallen, that others need compassion and care and that human value goes beyond some imagined optimal physical state.
“I know an elderly lady who has been bedridden in a nursing home for a couple of years now; she begs to go on to heaven and be reunited with her husband who died several years ago ... She recently fell and broke her hip; her younger son died about two months ago; her other son has early onset dementia; his wife has spinal degeneration and a host of other physical ailments. Anyone in this family might say, ‘I hate myself for my condition and my dependence on others,’ but none do. So, we’re left with attitude rather than circumstance, and our attitudes must be shaped by God’s assessment of things. To be healthy and happy and have a strong, anchored sense of self, we must define human worth by God's standards, not man’s.”
My concluding comments to Sally: “The bottom line is: define yourself by God's standards, not man's. Understand your own tendency toward self-criticism (which may be a natural outgrowth of your own psychological makeup and/or the conditioning of your mother) and allow yourself to accept the providence of God. Your situation may be exactly what the rest of us self-centered, convenience-worshiping people need to shake us out of our complacency. And if people are irritated by supplying your genuine needs, they need to read Matthew 25. But don't internalize their responses. All you can do is be you, the you that is shaped by God's view of you and the potential he has built into your life. Do what you can; ask others for what you need; be positive and encouraging and appreciative, and let everything else sort itself out.”
If Satan can persuade us to hate ourselves – for whatever reason – then we are more likely to reject God, for such hatred will overwhelm all that is good. Faith in God is two-fold: it is foremost the acknowledgment of our Creator who deserves all praise and honor for who He is. But faith is also the response of a person who values their own existence from God, who sees him/herself according to inner, spiritual reality that comes with being an object of God’s creative purpose and love. If we hate ourselves for immutable characteristics that do not affect this relation to God, then we are hearkening to carnal standards such as pride, self-reliance, physical attractiveness, etc. which skew our values. Self-hatred is a slippery slope, and if we don’t regain our spiritual equilibrium we might find ourselves careening into the abyss of resentment and ingratitude.
