Articles
The Death of Our Parents
When Jacob was in his final moments of life – a patriarch, prophet and a great man who had “struggled with God and with men, and … prevailed” (Gn 32:28) – he revealed the future state of his sons’ lives (Gn 49). “And when Jacob had finished commanding his sons, he drew his feet up into the bed and breathed his last, and was gathered to his people. Then Joseph fell on his father’s face, and wept over him, and kissed him” (49:33-50:1).
Following the customary Egyptian embalming and mourning, a 70-day period, a large caravan of both Israelites and Egyptians made its way to the burial cave of Machpelah – an arduous trip of about 200 miles. “And they mourned there with a great and very solemn lamentation … And when the … Canaanites saw the mourning … they said, ‘This is a grievous mourning of the Egyptians’” (50:10-11). Thus ends the earthly sojourn of the last of the three great patriarchs of the Jewish nation. And thus begins the next phase of God’s redemptive plan: Israel’s exodus from Egypt and the Mosaic covenant at Sinai.
The deaths of various ones impact us differently:
Ø Losing a peer, even one we don’t know well, confronts us with our own mortality – perhaps even in our youth.
Ø The passing of a prominent celebrity, accomplished athlete or powerful aristocrat whom we don’t know at all reminds us that fame, fortune and success are not antidotes against death.
Ø The death of a cherished friend may cause great distress, a void in our lives difficult to fill.
Ø But saying goodbye to a family member leaves us with a profound sense of loss and imbalance in our nuclear family structure.
Ø The departure of parents from this world, however, is traumatic on many levels and can wreak havoc on a fragile psyche.
At best – the death of a parent who was devoted to Christ and who loved and nurtured us with deep devotion – is losing a life-anchor. From the dawn of consciousness our parents have been there. They were the constants in a world of changing playground friends, grade levels/teachers, relocations, etc. We shared the dinner table, holidays, vacations, shopping trips, game-playing and television-watching with them. They bought us Christmas and birthday gifts, clothed and fed us, protected us – if not physically, at least in providing us a sense of security.
Our Christian parent modeled faith, taught us the Bible, established a weekly framework of worship and association with fellow Christian families (Eph 6:4). They disciplined us, an emotionally unpleasant aspect of the relationship in the moment, but appreciated later on (Heb 12:9-11). They taught us by example about a healthy marriage and devotion to a spouse. We saw their hard work and sacrifices for us and others. In short, our parents were the primary influence in the shaping of our character, values and faith.
Worse, however, is losing a parent who was not a Christian or who had a weak or inconsistent faith. Perhaps they instilled an inadequate or contradictory notion of what it meant to be a Christian. This may leave us with doubts about the eternal welfare of our parent(s), and this is an extra heavy emotional burden in saying our goodbye and letting go as they depart from this earth into a spiritual unknown.
But this reality presents a couple of hard truths with which we must all come to grips: 1) God gives everyone, even our parents, free will, and we will all answer to Him for how we exercised it; and 2) Our parents are not perfect. We often grow up idealizing our parents, and consequently we adopt their mannerisms, habits, opinions, etc. But eventually we begin to recognize their flaws, maybe as we see our own. We buy a Ford even though dad hated them; we adopt different fashion standards than our mother. We gradually come to see our parents as real people.
Worse than all this, though, is the death of a parent who was difficult, abusive, hypercritical, neglectful, selfish or otherwise demeaning or unreasonable. Perhaps drinking, divorce, favoritism or physical violence plagued our home life, and family was never the nurturing, supportive, peaceful, loving support it was intended to be. I have a long-time friend whose family history would leave you reeling from the episodes of witchcraft, lesbianism, adultery with neighbors, firearm-threatening, verbal abuse and other deplorable mistreatment that she endured.
On some level the death of such a parent can actually be a relief, but often it leaves deep scars of unresolved conflict, unrequited love, a deep longing for acceptance and unfulfilled affirmation. Such emotional trauma can be debilitating, crippling the children’s own marital and family relationships. Sometimes abusive behavior is replicated; other times the ability to trust and selflessly love another is compromised. While the guilt of the parents’ sins may not accrue to the account of the children (Ezk 18), the effect of those sins can impair children for decades to come.
Years ago I compiled a list for a sermon that enumerated the Centreville members who had lost a parent. I don’t remember the number, but it was a long list. And it is ever growing with the more recent deaths of Beth’s mother, Doris’ mother, Inna’s mother, Nicky’s father, Mike’s father, Tony’s father, Randy and Danny’s father, Melanie’s mother and father, Kevin’s mother and father – and others likely overlooked.
And an added dimension to this reality of life is when both parents pass away. As someone recently commented, “When your parents are gone, you realize you are the adult generation and the younger people will be looking to you for stability, wisdom, guidance, etc.” This is true; we all look to our elders as stalwart leaders on whom we can rely, but as they gradually disappear from our lives we inherit the mantle of leadership.
Before this happens (for if we wait until it does, it is too late), we must be preparing ourselves as people of faith, knowledge, wisdom, responsibility so that we can step into their shoes. This generational change seems slow in real time, but it is inevitable and will fall upon our shoulders quicker than we might think. Are you pressing on to maturity (Eph 4:13-16)? Have you put away childish things (1 Cor 13:11)? Have you accepted that your parents will not live forever? Have you with Christ’s help overcome your parents’ shortcomings? Are you ready to carry on in their absence?
