Articles
The Quest for "Individual Growth"
The amazing thing is not that Hugh Jackman and his wife, Deborra-lee Furness, are getting a divorce. That happens all the time in Hollywood. The amazing thing is that they were married twenty-seven years. That rarely happens in Hollywood. But more amazing is: why divorce after more than a quarter of a century of marriage and at ages 54 and 67 respectively?
In 2018 Jackman, in receiving an acting award, said of his wife: “You believed in me when I couldn’t. You’ve loved me with a passion and a depth that I didn’t even know existed – and I don’t think I even felt that I deserved. You have pushed and encouraged me when I was scared to venture out. You have smiled me into smiling. You have sung me into singing. You have loved me into loving and like everything I do in my life, I share this with you. I love you.”
Just last year Jackman posted on Instagram: “Today I celebrate 26 years of marriage to my extraordinary wife. Every single day is filled with so much laughter, joy and backgammon!!!! Deb, you light up my life. I love you with all my heart!”
Now, I don’t know these people; I don’t know the inner dynamics of their relationship; I don’t know on whose impetus the split was based. But it is the public statement of divorce that is a teaching moment: “We have been blessed to share almost 3 decades together as husband and wife in a wonderful, loving marriage. Our journey now is shifting and we have decided to separate to pursue our individual growth. Our family has been and always will be our highest priority. We undertake this next chapter with gratitude, love, and kindness. We greatly appreciate your understanding in respecting our privacy as our family navigates this transition in all of our lives” (Fox News website, 9/15/23, emphasis jmj).
Thoughts:
1. “Our journey now is shifting” is a banal excuse. Guess what? Everyone’s life-journey shifts. Constantly. But when we enter into the covenant of marriage we pledge to negotiate those shifts together. Parenthood, job changes, relocation, illness, boom times and hard times – that’s what life is. And that’s why we cite those contingencies in marriage vows, and we promise to be faithful through “thick and thin.” Obviously, we are living in a time where many people utter their marriage vows with either an unrealistic romantic optimism or just plain insincerity. Our culture has swallowed the legal provision of “no fault divorce” to justify walking away from both the vow that was made and the person with whom it was made, and this is excused with trite phraseology.
2. “Individual growth” is a euphemism. This sounds so much nobler than “I am being selfish, and I want to do what I want to do,” doesn’t it? After all, who can fault someone for wanting to “grow”? Or pursue the “next chapter” in their lives? But the misconception being foisted here is that marriage somehow constricts individual growth, that the participants are being unreasonably stifled. How does that happen? In Jackman’s own glowing statement from 2018 he credited his wife for helping him grow and pursue opportunities that he otherwise wouldn’t have. Further, at their ages (54/67), just what unattained level of growth is prevented by staying married? This is just selfish drivel, an attempt to make an unseemly split palatable to the ticket-buying public.
Jackson had it right in his speech. Healthy marriage is a tremendous boon to individual growth. But it is within the context of “one flesh,” a relationship of mutual support, love and acceptance that boosts courage and creates confidence to take risks and push one’s limits. What a shame to throw that all away after thirty years of fame, fortune, children, cancer battles (Jackman has twice been treated for basal cell carcinoma). Then again, maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. Jackman said of his Christian upbringing: “I just find the evangelical church too, well, restrictive” (Wikipedia biography).
3. Jackman’s “highest priority” is certainly NOT his family, in spite of his insistence to the contrary. Such public statements never cease to amaze for the clichés and contradictions. Quite clearly, Jackman and/or Furness have higher priorities than their family, for that is what they said in their own words. And they are making the same destructive mistake that so many in Western culture make. I don’t know how old their adoptive children are; it doesn’t really matter. Plenty of research has been done to show that divorce is devastating to children even if they are adults when their parents divorce. And it’s not just the children. Rather than being a cure-all, divorce is usually the beginning of a traumatic battle of failure, rejection, loneliness, financial hardship and serial relationships that likewise falter. It is axiomatic: No matter the problems in a dysfunctional marriage, it is better to ride it out and pray and work toward changes that can lead in a better direction. Of course, anyone can convince themselves that they are pursuing divorce “for the good of the family.” This is just an attempt to rationalize the truth: I am walking out on my commitment.
4. “Navigate” is another trendy word that sounds sooooo … enlightened. “I’m just ‘navigating’ life,” “I’m on a journey.” Sounds like a John Hartford/Glen Campbell song:
It’s knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk; That makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag rolled up and stashed behind your couch.
And it’s knowing I’m not shackled by forgotten words and bonds and the ink stains that are dried upon some line. That keeps you in the backroads by the rivers of my memory, That keeps you ever gentle on my mind.
Those ridiculous lyrics won four Grammys in 1968, and BMI listed it as the fourth-most-played song in the history of radio in the U.S.
Well, life is a journey that we have to “navigate” alright. But it is a total fantasy to believe that living it like a moral hobo – with no strings attached, drifting in and out of marriages, etc. – is a utopian journey. It is not, in spite of Hollywood and Nashville’s attempts to glamorize it. When we say, “I do,” we are pledging to navigate it with our spouse, and if we choose well and commit ourselves to the service and well-being of that spouse, we’ll find all the “individual growth” we could ever hope for.
