Articles
Grief - 2
Grief will periodically intrude into all lives. It is neither desirable or enjoyable, but it will barge its way in regardless. It is said, “to be forewarned is to be forearmed,” but there’s only so much preparation one can make for managing grief. It must be felt and faced by each individual, and we must learn to cope with it lest it overpower us to our ruin. Part of this coping is learning about ourselves: How do I respond to anxiety? Am I pragmatic, emotional, prone to depression? Do I tend to lament my lot in life, or can I maintain a degree of optimism and hope? Is my faith strong enough to accept crushing loss?
Here are some misguided comments I have heard as people try to cope with their grief:
“I know Grandpa is in heaven with Jesus.” But Grandpa never darkened the door of a church building, cussed like a sailor, hid his whiskey flask in his overalls and bet on the horses. The issue here is not really where Grandpa is. Rather, the issue is having a proper view of heaven and what the life of a true disciple of Jesus looks like. While we should not become overly preoccupied with the eternal welfare of others – Jesus will decide that, and do so properly – we should not foster false hope in ourselves or others. A passage like 1 Cor 6:9-11 is clear; those in question “will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Other pas-sages tell us what will cost us our soul. Genuine repentance, fervent prayer, authorized worship, spiritual growth – these are hallmarks of a vibrant faith that secures forgiveness and enjoys a thriving relationship with God. Our culture, if it believes in heaven at all, has a mighty low standard of who will be there.
“I can feel Mother’s spirit giving me strength and comfort.” In the difficulty of letting go of our loved one, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking they never really left. Some imagine their loved one is still talking to them, inspiring them, comforting them, etc. They subjectively define every unusual occurrence as a sign of the departed’s presence. Again, myth takes the place of reality. Whether beings of darkness (ghosts, goblins, poltergeists, etc.) or light (a beloved family member or friend), Scripture confines the dead to Hades until the day of judgment. They are unable to return to the earth in any capacity until the day of judgment when Jesus will bring with Him the souls of the dead and restore them to a glorified body suitable for their eternal dwelling place (cf. Heb 9:27; 1 Cor 15; 1 Th 4:13-18; Lk 16:19-31; etc.). (Exceptions to this exist in Scripture, but only in unusual events that are directly caused by God; for example, Moses and Elijah with Jesus on the mount of transfiguration).
“Maybe God took them early to spare them from a later downfall.” I remember my mother saying something akin to this after my father died just shy of his 47th birthday. I don’t want to whittle on God’s end of the stick, and I suppose He could do this if He so chose. But I question this speculation on several grounds. First, it seems like God’s expectation for His people is that their faith endure any and all trials that may come (Rev 2:10; Mt 10:37-39; etc.). Indeed, many martyrs have left this world under the most horrendous suffering, and God did not intervene. Second, why wouldn’t God prematurely take every Christian if He foresaw that they would eventually fall? Not doing so in every case would seem to make Him a respecter of persons. Third, we have no indications when this may occur, so it amounts to nothing more than a baseless guess in order to soothe our aching heart or make sense of a tragedy.
Death is traumatic, and it is ugly. It can leave us with haunting images of our loved one’s last moments. It bludgeons us with brutal finality: we will never talk to our loved one again, see their face, hear their laugh, eat with them, travel with them or share thoughts and ideas. Whether it is the loss of a parent, spouse, child, friend or beloved brother or sister in Christ, death is a reminder of the brokenness of this world, the true wretchedness of sin and the fleeting span of earthly existence. What we need to help us cope with it is not fanciful notions, wishful thinking or feel good pop-psychology. We need truth; we need God; and we need faith which accepts the world as it is and the future as God has revealed it to us.
We need the proper source of information. Occasionally the media publishes a “back from the dead” story. A patient dies during surgery or in an accident, and after being revived they tell of seeing a bright light, feeling at peace, looking at the scene from above and perhaps seeing loved ones on the “other side” telling them it is not their time yet. Never mind that such people may be affected by drugs (recreational or medical), conditioned by misinformation, deprived of oxygen and suffering critical, end-of-life chemical and biological changes. Such accounts are not credible. We must trust in God’s information on eternal realities no matter how painful the application of such information may be.
We need to create a new reality and sense of purpose. This is easier said than done, and is a process that varies from person to person. Yet it must be navigated if we are to live a healthy, productive life after our loved one has passed. My own mother, who lost my father after 27 years of marriage, was a good role model in this. She had three children to finish raising, an income to be secured and a Lord to serve. She did not wallow in her grief; she did not make shrine to my father; she did not see a psychologist or take anti-depressants. She became a contract postal manager and a stalwart of faith in her little congregation. She took care of her own mother later in life. Though I was the baby, she never clung to me or made me feel guilty for leaving her to strike out on my own. No matter what we suffer in life, God always has work for us to do (cf. Ph 1:22,24; 2 Cor 4:10; 5:9-11; Jn 9:4; etc.), and this is a blessing that helps us keep our equilibrium when life has violently lurched sideways.
We need to focus on eternity and not let temporal concerns rule. The truly significant part of our existence is eternity – where we will spend it based on what we have done in this life. Earthly life is not the be-all and end-all; it is merely the growth phase, the testing ground, the place where we come to learn about, love and serve God – or not. The wise set their minds on things above, not on earthly matters (Col 3:2). Significant interaction with the world is unavoidable – marriage, employment, maintaining the physical body, commerce, education, etc. – but balance between these things and heavenly values and realities must be maintained. Paul counsels us: “from now on … those who weep as though they did not weep, those who rejoice as those they did not rejoice, those who buy as though they did not possess, and those who use this world as not misusing it. For the form of this world is passing away …” (1 Cor 7:30-31).
