Articles
Grief - 1
Surely the darkness of grief is one of the most painful, disorienting and distressing aspects of life. We may grieve over various losses, setbacks and other disappointments of life, but it is grief over the death of a loved one that is perhaps the heaviest of all burdens. It can rob us of sleep, appetite and strength; it can crush hope, undermine peace and lead to other sins such as divorce, alcoholism and drug use.
Picture Job sitting in ashes, scraping his oozing boils with a clay shard, stunned by the horrendous loss of his children and all his possessions. His friends came to “console” him, and when “they raised their eyes from afar, and did not recognize him, they lifted their voices and wept; and each one tore his robe and sprinkled dust on his head toward heaven. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great” (Job 2:7-8, 12-13).
Or consider Rizpah, whose two sons she bore to Saul were executed and hanged as atonement for Saul’s treachery to the Gibeonites (2 Sam 21:1-14): “Now Rizpah … took sackcloth and spread it for herself on the rock, from the beginning of harvest until the late rains poured on them from heaven. And she did not allow the birds of the air to rest on them by day nor the beasts of the field by night …”.
Or think of Peter who denied the Lord during His trial as the Lord said he would. Luke records that upon the third denial Peter and Jesus made eye contact (22:61), “And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had said to him, ‘Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.’ Then Peter went out and wept bitterly” (22:61-62). There is no reference to Peter being at the cross (only John and the Galilean women, and Mary); we do not know his whereabouts on the Sabbath, but early on the first day of the week he is sequestered with the other disciples when Mary Magdalene breathlessly comes with the news that she and the other women had found Jesus’ tomb empty (Jn 20:1-10; Lk 24:9-12, 33; Mk 16:10 [“as they mourned and wept”]).
Can we begin to imagine the terrible self-judgment and sense of failure that Peter endured over the weekend? His grief seems to be the backdrop of the interchange between himself and the Lord at the Sea of Galilee in Jn 21: “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these? …” (21:15ff). Peter’s answers to the Lord’s three questions are greatly subdued compared with his brash declarations of bravery at the Passover meal.
Of course, the impetus for this article is the grief being felt by Will and Sarah Roberts and all the extended Roberts and Towers families at the loss of Fair. The funeral was a massive gathering of friends and family from far and wide, all of whom were saying and doing everything possible to alleviate the sorrow and pain being experienced. Tears were flowing as tributes were read and video was shown. Several spoke about the tragedy of early death and the phenomenon of unanswered prayer – at least prayer not answered according to the desires that gave rise to them.
Here are some reflections on life and death and grief:
God allows random things to happen. When we see innocent school children shot, or a bystander killed by a stray bullet, or a fatal illness of unknown cause, we long for an explanation. We wonder why that person lost their life, how by chance someone was in the wrong place at the wrong time or how unfair life can be. And to cope with this randomness we may then place too much emphasis on God’s overarching plan or divine control or His purpose for us. But the only purpose of God we know of is that which is generically revealed in the NT. If God has a specific purpose for each individual in what He allows to happen or what He prevents, we do not know it. We pray that God’s will be done; we make decisions on the information we have; and we leave the rest to God.
To illustrate, last Saturday, as we prepared to leave for a post-funeral gathering, it started to rain. We delayed our departure from the hotel for a few minutes to let the rain subside, and while en route we came upon a serious accident that happened minutes before. Did God cause the rain to intensify so that we would miss the wreck? What about the accident victims? Why didn’t God delay them so they would miss it? These are things that have not been revealed to us. One thing is certain, “time and chance happen to them all” (Ecc 9:11). While we pray for God’s providential care and protection, we are not guaranteed that He will intervene, as Satan accused regarding Job, to “build a hedge” around us. Our grief cannot always be alleviated by discovering a “reason” for what happened [as of this writing Will and Sarah still don’t know what took Fair’s life].
Our faith in God is greater than our suffering on earth. We should not trivialize the utter horror of things that can happen to us or our loved ones. It is callous to dismiss what is emotionally crippling or spiritually challenging by platitudes that are bereft of compassion. But what we must attempt to foster in ourselves and others is perspective, wisdom and spiritual understanding. These things should ease the suffocating grip of grief. Paul says, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us” (Rom 8:18). He further says, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain … I am hard pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you” (Ph 1:21, 23-24). Paul’s faith was greater than the prospect of death because it was anchored in spiritual reality. This kept his imprisonment and a looming death sentence from overwhelming him.
Our grief must be worked through in our own time and way. There is no “one size fits all” grief manual. Some commonality in overcoming deep grief exists, but people work through grief in different ways. Some are able to resolve their loss and move forward quicker than others; this differential is what often causes great strain in marriage when a child dies. Others don’t want to let go of their loved one, and they keep their memory alive in ways that delay or prohibit the return of joy and purpose. But it is imperative in our grief to reevaluate our attachment to this life and set our sights on eternity and heaven. Death is a stark, brutal reminder that earthly life is not forever, and we can confidently face that fact only through faith and trust in God’s care for our soul.
