Articles
Marital Myths
Marriage is a wonderful gift from God to humanity. This exclusive, lifelong, intimate covenant blesses its participants in myriad ways: stability, affirmation, encouragement, companionship, accountability, protection, courage, material supply, acceptance, spiritual focus, parenthood, extended family, etc. A properly functioning marriage provides a richness and unique texture to life.
However, marriage can disappoint when expectations are unrealistic or misguided. Erroneous views of marriage arise from a number of different sources: the marital quality of one’s own parents; Hollywood ideology; dubiously credentialed “experts,” even well-intentioned fellow believers who unwisely project their own unhappiness upon younger couples.
Consider the following marital myths:
The romance will inevitably fizzle. To that I reply: only if you let it. There is an undoubted thrill to a newly developing relationship. It is emotionally exciting to converse, explore another’s thoughts, learn their history, to be the object of their attraction. Such feelings are exhilarating and can be habit-forming. That is, some crave the romantic high and fear losing that feeling to marital mundaneness. Thus they remain perpetually stuck in the dating mode, skipping through a series of shallow, short-term relationships and never settling into the reality of a mature, committed relationship.
The dynamics of a long-term relationship will certainly change over time. It really can’t be otherwise, because newness must inevitably give way to familiarity. But this does not mean that excitement dies, that intimacy is replaced by boredom or spontaneity yields to routine. Relationships take root, grow and flower with effort. Neglecting the deeper emotional bond of marital life is far too common, and couples often sacrifice intimacy to the blah of joyless duties. This leads to one or both languishing in want of affection and wistful nostalgia for what has slipped away.
Facing life’s challenges together, working on mutual goals, getting to know another human being on a deeper level – these all bring an element to marriage far exceeding infatuation and novelty. And on an optimistic note, if this part of your marriage has gone dormant, it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can revive it by returning to the very activities, conversation and appreciation that made you fall in love in the first place.
I can save them. This myth is particularly tempting because it has a spiritual component. In the usual scenario, a good-hearted, sympathetic but naïve Christian girl gets involved with the proverbial “bad boy.” He may be handsome, popular, athletic and charismatic, but his life is laden with vices and habits that already rule him. But he knows how to pull heart-strings and tap into her well of compassion, and he says enough of the right things to make her think that his redemption draweth nigh. No matter how many times he disappoints her, he pleads for her to stay with him because he “needs” her. And so she stays to her own detriment and perpetual disappointment.
Let me be clear: Making the effort to save others is of utmost importance. But romance is not required. A strong, stable relationship is not built on one party always trying to prop the other up spiritually, morally and emotionally. In an ideal relationship, both parties are strengthening, supporting and encouraging each other. It is mutual edification. Far too many young ladies have been lured into a nightmare relationship because they are vulnerable to their maternal, nurturing instinct. If your ne’er-do-well boyfriend really wants to be saved, you can help him by studying the Bible together, directing him to sources of information, inviting him to worship, facilitating studies with others, etc., but you do not have to stay in a spiritually debilitating relationship to do it. If he is sincere about wanting to be saved, then you can help him from a distance and he will grow. If he is not sincere, then that is a relationship that will inevitably fail.
Once we marry, he/she will change. This is a follow-on from the last observation. While it is true that people do change over time – they grow, mature, gain wisdom, improve bad habits, etc. – it is folly to enter a deficient relationship in the hope that you will be able to change the other. Just how will marriage magically provide what missing in courtship?
Actually, incentive to change often weakens after marriage because spouses grow comfortable. “Now that we’re married, I don’t think my flaws are a big deal.” If you are seriously unhappy with some elements of your beau during courtship or engagement, it is unrealistic to think that marriage will bring wholesale changes in his character or habits. Those things need to be resolved one way or another before the “I do’s” are said.
Yelling is normal. Again, this myth may grow out of the previous one, or it may just stand on its own two horrible feet. Where is the passage that excuses ungodly words because they are directed toward our mate? “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers … Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you …” (Eph 4:29, 31). Are our spouses excluded from these admonitions?
Some may even pride themselves on their ability to argue, berate or insult each other and afterward suffer “no hurt feelings.” Ha. The old “sticks and stones” adage is a lie, and we do grave harm to our mates by bullying, intimidating or demeaning them. Yelling, name-calling, belittling and especially uttering profanity are denigrating, depersonalizing and deplorable. If this describes our interaction with our spouses (and/or children), then we have some serious work to do: “Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet 3:7). The onus is upon husbands to honor and cherish their wives, and when they do, their wives will generally respond in kind.
We’re out of space, but here’s another marital myth offered without further comment: We must start married life with all the things our parents accumulated over decades of acquisition.
Can you think of others? Is a marital myth holding you and/or your mate back from deeper intimacy? Don’t settle for mediocrity. Work together to build a better marriage.
