Articles
Fifteen Hours Per Week
In a recent sermon we explored some marriage-enrichment ideas from Willard Harley’s book “Defending Traditional Marriage.” All marriage counselors have their own lingo we must work through to ensure that their ideas are biblically sound. I do not agree with everything in Harley’s book, but I do believe he makes some helpful, practical suggestions that would strengthen (or help heal) marital relationships.
Harley suggested four critical areas that he calls “intimate emotional needs,” needs that must be met to some satisfactory degree for a marriage to thrive: 1) intimate conversation; 2) recreational companionship; 3) affection; and 4) sexual fulfillment.
Not all of each individual’s relationship needs can be neatly categorized under one of these headings, but these represent the top two listed separately by men and women in his counseling experience. Attending to these will anchor a marriage on solid emotional ground, thus enabling a couple to work on other needs.
But here’s the catch:
I’ve done considerable research into the minimum amount of time it takes to meet those four intimate emotional needs ... 15 hours a week. And that time must be scheduled every week. Now that you’re married and are together every day, it’s easy to assume such scheduling isn’t required -- that simply being in the house together or being asleep in bed together will get the job done. But it’s not so. Only when you give each other your undivided attention are you able to meet intimate emotional needs” ("Defending Traditional Marriage," p. 47).
Sounds easy, doesn’t it? But you do the math ... subtract sleep time, work time, kids' schedules, chores, shopping, worship, etc., and see how much “free” time is left. Fifteen hours is three hours per day, Monday to Friday.
Do you spend that much time in personal interaction with your spouse? We cannot ignore our deep emotional needs and expect our relationships to flourish. How are you doing?
